swearing sense

We’re not trying to clean up the language here, quite the opposite. This is an effort to expand man’s cursing vocabulary. To give men bigger, bolder, badder words to fling at each other. Maybe then, we’ll quit dragging the women into it.

I had a hard time getting someone to do the monologue. Contrary to high hopes, women weren’t falling over each other yelling, me, me, me. Why me? Ask her, no? What if my mom sees it? Oh shit! You’ve heard me abuse in the office? We’ll find you a girl, kedar. Sure, I’m dying to get married.

Worse, when I told them the video might get passed around, more for the sake of disclosure than the fancy notion of casting for the next viral sensation on youtube, they banged the door in my foot. 6 years in advertising and I still can’t sell. Pity.

Except I hadn’t asked S yet. Not only did she agree, she surprised the hell out of me – took the script to practice at home, didn’t complain about several takes (in spite of a bad cold), donned a bindi to look older, made time between artworks and boss-calls, and she just pulled it off.

Let me just come out and say it – S was real nice the whole time and it’s a pleasure to work with her. Why didn’t I think of her first? Because I am, without a doubt, the worst casting agent in the history of colleague-casting agents.

Credits: emmanuel for wondering why it happens, preetha for carrying red bindis (nobody else in the office had one), ishita for auditioning, richa for managing without her specs till we finished, raylin for offering to wear a wig and do it himself when most women refused and the photobooth on steve’s iMac.

While at it, I made one myself to see if I could steer clear of maa-behen. And I passed.

problem solution

There's a kirana store across the road from where I stay. It's manned by a woman. She manages the shop, two STD phones and three kids all at once all day. She also sells cigarettes. One of the days when I bought a pack, I noticed she had a big Homelites on the counter for people to light their cigarettes. It's a little inconvenient. You can't cup your palms around the flame while holding that big box. When I had to strike a second one, she told me people flick small matchboxes. That she’d had enough of watching over a matchbox. So, she put that trunk on the counter. And ever since, nobody's dared shove it their pockets. It’s too big to fit in a pocket. I thought that was a good one. By her.

status update triggers tirade

google used to be

Thankfully, they don't give you this tip anymore. It just makes me feel like a mega vagabond. Do they have any idea how many hours I waste? I while away entire weekends. Man, it's hard enough being unable to do anything about that. And they want me to save what again, a few milliseconds? Great, I'm already feeling better.

parking lot grooming

This is from back when I used to take my scooter to work. Not a day went by without someone or an alien screwing with the rearview mirror. I'm sure they were just combing their hair, patting their moustaches, scooping the goop off their eyes or just checking for spinach in their teeth. All par for the course. They were just trying to look good before walking into office in the morning. That’s all. So, why was I against it?

Because I'd realize the mirror is off angle only at 80 kmph on my way back home in the evening when someone’s honking from behind and all I can see is my face in it.

recruitment campaign

Now, wouldn't it be nice if every office had their own interesting little ways to recruit people? Instead of asking for their mail servers to be spammed with resumes that read alike. They could ask you to figure stuff out, make something, come up with a solution to an everyday problem, show them what else you do besides work or like WK Seeking wanted, 'send us 20 pages of anything interesting.' That makes it easier for them and tougher for you. And the tougher it is to get into a place, it becomes all the more desirable. It makes you want to try harder. You start wanting to work with them. Isn't that how it should be?

candy redeemed

It started off as a whatif project. To get away from the routine at office. To see if I could still do some decent work. What if a candy brand spoke to grown-ups? For a start, you don't have to be cheesy, stupid, goofy, dumb, cute or silly. Good. But, candy for adults? No, wait. No references to porn. This better be clean. OK. So, I wrote some lines, made some layouts and tore them down because I thought they were stupid. A week later, I was still tossing it around in my head. And I didn't like it. One way to get something out of your head is to put it on paper. So, this time, I kept the layouts.

When I showed them to Viju, he said, "Why does it have to be intelligent only for the adults? Why can't we talk to kids like this?" True. That's so bloody true. Why didn't I question the be-dumb-with-kids rule all along?

last day tee

No more dilly-dallying. No more let me think about it. No more what ifs and but thats. No more saving it for later. What the fuck are you saving anyway? No more hanging in there. No more rationalizing. No more is recession the right time? No more sleeping over it. No more losing sleep over it. No more waiting for a turning point. No more letting the doing last for ever. Finish it. Say yes. And jump.

update: i won't be flogging it on teepay because google says I'm not the first person to put quit and quitting together. Their search button should be renamed search/check.

unrest in the room

There are so many things that we just use. To take the yuck and the muck off our highnesses. From the poopot to a toothbrush to earbuds. We subject them to such unspeakable acts of hygiene so early in the morning for as long as we please it's not funny. Our sounds and our smells turn bathrooms into deadly gas chambers. Taps, tissues, razors, tongue cleaners, mugs, buckets - they're all sitting on a class action suit. The bees should know. They sued us back to the stone age, remember? Besides terrible working conditions, these things get no perks, no promotions. Bum tissue will never get elevated to hand tissue, nor will shoe polish get to be nail polish. Not in a million years. And we need to go on the weekends too. So, they don't even get sundays off. On top of all this, we make them choke on a cheap room freshener.

What if they spoke up?

magazine covers

Don’t you wish you had a release every week? At least one piece in the press that stands out? That's interesting. That makes your peers go, damn! If I get to do one decent 100cc ad a week, I'd be a happy man. I'd spend the weekend in peace. I know it's expensive and hardly any clients have such a media plan. However, I like the discipline it imposes on me. So, if it's not ads, then maybe something else. One piece a week for sure without excuses.

I’ve noticed Outlook has a new lousy cover every week. Obviously, their designer doesn’t give a damn. And I can certainly do better. Then, how about making a cover every week? It's great for practice, plus no wasted weekends. They could mail me the story two days in advance and I could work something out. I don’t need the money, a mention in the credits is enough.

I haven’t approached anyone at Outlook about this yet, I will soon. I just have to time myself for a series of consecutive issues before I meet them. I should be able to make a cover even for the stories I don't see fit to be on the cover, right? Till then, these are some old pieces.

When congress wanted to go ahead with the nuclear deal and the left was holding them back.

It seems when a desi tycoon is marrying his kid off, he invites half of bollywood and some ministers to the wedding.

When the players were a little nasty on the pitch in Sydney.

This dude actually said he needs dictatorship to establish democracy.

It occurred to me that Indian fashion will have arrived only when you see fakes being sold on pavements.